If you put out a newsletter, you know sometimes you have a couple inches to fill in . . . and humor is always good. Here is a collection. Most of it has appeared in one of our newsletters, but here it is for you to use as you want.  Enjoy.

Political   |  Computers   |    Humor    |    Other

Political Humor

Some political humor. With apologies to the good Doctor.

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, Al Gore I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Let's count them upside down this time
Let's count until the state is mine!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile.

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, Al Gore I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I've counted till my fingers bleed!
and still can't fulfill my counting need!
I'll count the tiles on the floor!
I'll count, and count, and count some more!
And I will not say that I am done!
Until the counting says I've won!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
You're only care should be for me!

I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!

Random musings on the Income Tax System

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 version(s) the author refers to are not known] words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to seven million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.

Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

The IRS sends out eight billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.  Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

Sixty percent of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

One adage says the only things certain in life are death and taxes; unfortunately, though, they don't come in that order.

Seems to me the only possible fair tax structure is one that allows everyone to cheat evenly.

With the quality of education declining in the US, and even colleges turning out semi-literate idiots, I understand the IRS is considering a new simplified tax form where all you have to do is color it in.

The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Your check is called "Take Home Pay" because that's the only place you can afford to go with it after all the taxes are taken out.

The Presidency

"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign."
-- William Jefferson Clinton, 1974 on President Nixon.

BILL OF NO RIGHTS!

Computer Humor

Bill Gates High School Speech

Bill Gates dished out this advice at a high school speech about 11 things that students did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concepts sets them up for failure in the real world.

RULE 1. Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2. The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3. You will NOT make 50 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone. You will need to EARN both.

RULE 4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

RULE 6. If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8.  Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9.  Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10.  Television is not REAL life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11.  Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during
system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night Out 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer
run, crashing the system whenever selected.  I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in
the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.  I
am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work
on this program.  Can you help me!!! A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.  Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system once installed.  You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0
because Wife1.0 is not designed to do this.  Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original
system.  Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.  I suggest
installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software
problems.  Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.  The best course of
action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.  In any case, avoid excessive
use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the operating system will return to normal.  Wife 1.0 is a great program,
but very high maintenance.  Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under
any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to
the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

How To Install Software

A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the
Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to
come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well
as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it,
until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with
you? Choose one, and be honest:

+---------+ +-----------+
| YES   |  | SURE   |
+---------+ +-----------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
whirring for a very long time while the installation program does
who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your
computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as
a food processor. At the very least, the installation program
will create many new directories, sub-directories,
sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands
of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat,"
and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when
struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
the package and wait on the line for a representative, who
will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to
adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

That's the easy way to install software

Computer in the Movies

Now that we are in the middle of the summer techno-thriller movie blitz, here is a timely list of 24 interesting things you learn about computers by attending these films.

1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display two-inch-high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After awhile, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There is no way to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

Here's a good Y2K one

January 1, 2000

Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the
past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3
weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional
week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your
next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include
all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

A take on an old Abbott and Costello routine

Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig harddrive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yessiree. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it
off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it OFF. I know how to start it.
So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started
this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Humor

This man could be our next president.

There were Bushisms and Quayleisms, and now there are Goreisms (or should that be Al Gore-isms.... or algorithms).....

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- Al Gore

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Al Gore

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'" -- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." -- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Al Gore (talking about Clinton maybe? :-)

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Al Gore

"Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat." -- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Al Gore

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. -- Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make." --Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." --Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Al Gore

The Duck Joke - submitted by Roland in Alabama.

A big city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in Alabama.  He
shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side
of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied.  "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."  The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Alabama.  Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule? What is the Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger,  so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farm slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller.  His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.  His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face.  The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up.  The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.. You can have the duck."

Idiots at work.  (Sound like anyone you know?)

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.  So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it, they matched.

 

Idiots in the Neighborhood.

 

I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.  The reason:  many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

 

Idiots in Food Service.

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

 

Idiot Sighting #1.

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"  He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

 

Idiot Sighting #2.

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.  She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

 

Idiot Sighting #3.

 

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun.  We should have lunch like this more often."  Not another word was spoken.  We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

 

Idiot Sighting #4.

 

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

 

Idiot Sighting #5.

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.  As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.  "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"  "I know," answered the young man. - "I already got that side."

 

There, now, don't you feel better?

The Lawyer's Dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, steals a roast from the local butcher shop. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog stole a roast from me today."

So the lawyer writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The next day, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.

Blonde Joke

Three women are about to be executed.  One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."   Suddenly the  brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..." Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"  Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..." ...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR

The Chinese government has a novel solution for
motivating the Chinese airline industry to prevent
Y2K-related airplane accidents: They're ordering all
Chinese airline executives to fly on January 1, 2000.

Other

Scripture Cake

This recipe was submitted by Ruth Garwood. She said she has made this cake and that it was good...sort of a spice cake.

4-1/2 cups 1 Kings 4:22
1 cup Judges 5:25
2 cups Jeremiah 6:20
1 cup 1 Samuel 30:12
2 cups Nahum 3:12
1 cup Numbers 17:8
2 tablespoons 1 Samuel 14:25
Pinch of Leviticus 2:13
6 Jeremiah 17:11
1/2 cup Judges 4:19
2 tablespoons Amos 4:5
1 teaspoon 2 Chronicles 9:9

Mix together and put in a well greased and floured tube pan. Bake at 325 degrees for 1-1/2 hours.

THE PARADOX OF OUR TIME - by George Carlin.  submitted by Tim Novak

delete.

The next time your kids want to see a movie . . . 

The father listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular PG-13 movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13 because of the suggestion of sex -- they never really showed it. The language was pretty good -- the Lord's name was only used in vain three times in the whole movie.

The teens did admit there was a scene where a building and a bunch of people were blown up, but the violence was just the normal stuff. It wasn't too bad. And, even if there were a few minor things, the special affects were fabulous and the plot was action packed.

However, even with all the justifications, the teens made for the 13 rating, the father still wouldn't give in.

A little later, the father asked his teens if they would like some brownies he had baked. He explained that he'd taken the family's favorite recipe and added a small amount of dog poop. However, he quickly assured them, it was only a little bit. All other ingredients were gourmet quality and he had taken great care to bake the brownies at the precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb.

The father told the teens the movie they wanted to see was just like the brownies . . . that a little bit of poop makes the difference between a great treat and something disgusting and totally unacceptable.

Rules for Dating my Daughter

I don't have a daughter, but those of you who do may want to make use of this. 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you are sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, physical activity without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to kissing and puppy eyes, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a ice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Feeling Old

My oldest son just went off to college, so I really enjoyed this:

The people starting college now were born in 1981. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and do not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.

CCCP is just a bunch of letters.

They have only known one Germany.

They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tian An Men Square means nothing to them.

They do not know who Moammar Qadafi is.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

They never had a polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.

Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.

They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

They have never owned a record player - so the expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never even heard of Pong.

The original Star Wars looks very fake and the special effects are pathetic.

There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new.

They may be aware of the existence of 8-tracks, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.

The Compact Disc was introduced when they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a black-and-white TV.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what Beta is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born after the Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Rollerskating has always meant inline for them.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about 'Jaws.'

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork is or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is, for that
matter.

The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonald's food never came in Styrofoam containers.

Do you feel old now?

Some sayings and definitions for the day

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it become?
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?

Pearl Harbor is Safe

These two stories were told by my pastor in last Sunday's sermon. He was preaching about "security". 

This statement was Written on Sept. 6, 1941 by journalist Clarke Beach.
For a nationally respected newspaper……. (Taken from the book At Dawn We
Slept by Gordon Prange.)

A Japanese attack on Hawaii is regarded as the most unlikely thing in
the world, with one chance in a million of being successful. Besides
having more powerful defenses than any other post under the American
Flag, it is protected by distance.

The story is told of a monastery in Portugal, perched high on a 3,000 foot cliff and accessible only by a terrifying ride in a swaying basket. The basket is pulled with a single rope by several strong men, perspiring under the strain of the fully-loaded basket. One American tourist who visited the site got nervous halfway up the cliff when he noticed that the rope was old and frayed. Hoping to relieve his fear, he asked, "How often do you change the rope?" The monk in charge replied, "Whenever it breaks!"

Ponder these in your spare time . . .

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Should boneless chicken be considered to be an invertebrate?

Headlines that make you say "Duh!" from famous artist Laurel Paley.

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
    -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
    -Holland Sentinel, date unknown

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
    -The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
    -The Los Angeles Times, November 2

'Light' Meals Are Lower in Fat, Calories
    -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking
    -The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls Try to Attract Shoppers
    -The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought
    -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-Age Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men
    -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
    -Newsday, July 11

Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete
    -The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes Come in Big, Little, Medium Sizes
    -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virbinia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
    -The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
    -The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists See Quakes in L.A. Future
    -The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life in Jail is Demeaning
    -The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out in the Cold
    -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution Paints O.J. as a Wife-Killer
    -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist Uses Theory to Explain Economy
    -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible Church's Focus is The Bible
    -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton Pledges Restraint in Use of Nuclear Weapons
    -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge in Longevity
    -The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
    -Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting Nails Can be Sign of Tenseness in a Person
    -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of Brains Hinders Research
    -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author Louise Hart
    -The Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish Lurk in Streams
    -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 28

Quote

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to a department store to see him and he asked me for my autograph.  -Shirley Temple

It's Secretaries Day

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better; hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. n fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. i have no right to know anything. In the  corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been.   Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has not past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor eventually.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Strange But True

There's a hideous new threat to the American way of life, according to the National Security Agency: The Furby. The NSA has banned all Furbies from its headquarters because the toys can record and play back sounds.
http://www.furby.com
http://www.nsa.gov

I heard the following on WOWO radio and received a requested copy from Pat White, the radio show host who read it on the air.

The Next Time You THINK You Are Having A Bad Day...

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all 2000 thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

The Senator's Prayer

This prayer was actually spoken before the Kansas State Legislature;  Perhaps we should elect the preacher. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual politically correct generalities.
But what they heard instead was a stirring prayer, passionately calling our country to repentance and righteousness. The response was immediate and a number of legislators walked out during the prayer. In six short weeks, the Central Christian Church had logged more than 5,000 phone calls, with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The Central Christian Church is now receiving international requests for copies of the prayer from India, Africa and Korea. Commentator Paul Harvey aired the prayer on the radio and received a larger response to this program than any other program he has ever aired.
        Minister Joe's prayer is reprinted here:

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask Your forgiveness and seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe on those who call evil good.' But that's exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reverted our values. We confess that.
We have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it pluralism.
We have worshipped other gods and called it multiculturalism.
We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle.
We have exploited the poor and called it lottery.
We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn children and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.
We have abused power and called it political savvy.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, O' God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent to this great state. Grant them the wisdom to rule, and may their decisions direct us to the center of Your will.
I ask it in the name of Your Son, the Living Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.